Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mr. Accessory


Meet my husband, Mr. Accessory. He is every retailer’s dream. Do you have a product of little use or value? Mr. Accessory will take two, please. A quick trip to the beach requires no less than 17 things: beach chair, beach mat, beach umbrella, beach towel, sunscreen, water shoes, snorkel gear, binoculars, pocketknife, water bottle, guide book, camera, zinc oxide, travel cooler, lip balm, bug spray, and that’s just for starters.


Here in Hawaii, a flashlight can come in handy every now and then. Since we only brought a small one, I purchased another cheap one when we got here. However, these two didn’t suffice for Mr. Accessory. He asked our friend Megan to bring him another from the mainland. When she arrived, I learned that she had called from the store to ask which specific kind he wanted. He made her buy not one, not two, but THREE different models. Yes, friends, with Mr. A by your side, you’ll have the illumination of a major league baseball field spotlighting you at all times.

Conor may have an ointment for every ailment known to man. His daily routine consists of coating himself in a thick layer of creams, lotions, and body butters. When he has a bug bite, he wanders around with a bottle of Bactine in one hand and a q-tip in the other, reapplying every 5 minutes. I once cut myself and needed some disinfectant. Mr. A volunteered to go to the store, when I suggested using the Bactine we already owned instead. He was in awe when I informed him that its purpose is two-fold – anti-itch AND anti-bacterial. Who knew?

Mr. A never leaves home without his trusty backpack. This pack has no less than 17 separate compartments, each one home to a different accessory. It’s a struggle for me to remember where the lip balm goes….is it the left side pocket, or the front mesh pocket? If I choose wrong, I risk a scolding from Mr. A who has each pocket dedicated to one of his essential tools. It’s quite possible to put something in the backpack and have it never be seen again.

Mr. A is confident that not a bead of sweat will drip on those fancy sunglasses


We have a travel cooler that is good for bringing a few cold beers to the beach on occasion. However, Mr. Accessory will pack it with ice and bring it along to carry one bottle of water to the beach. We can’t just throw it in the backpack, says Mr. A, because the condensation will get our book wet. It needs a separate pack of its own, specifically designed for the transportation of cold beverages.

Perhaps the most outrageous accessory purchase during out time here has been the hiking poles. While I agree that these poles can be useful for serious hiking, we’ve spent 5 months doing plenty of recreational pole-less hiking without any problems. But that kind of logic is wasted on Mr. A. Why use only your legs when you can have an accessory shipped across the Pacific to distribute the effort between legs and arms? If only they came with a carrying case…

Yes, we own these.


And these are only the accessories we use here in Hawaii. Don’t even get me started on the pile of stuff in our garage back in Virginia. Fate would have it that Mr. Accessory would end up married to a minimalist who hates clutter. Lord help us all once we have the accessory magnets known as children…

Mr. A in 10 years


Most embarrassing to be seen with accessory: Sweatband to wear on hikes and to yoga

Most ‘used more than you’d think’ accessory: Binoculars

Dorkiest accessory: Hiking Poles

Most useful accessory: Pocketknife with 15 features

Most annoying accessory: Bactine with q-tips found all around the house

Most unnecessary accessory: Deluxe golf pull-cart #2 to replace cheap golf pull-cart #1

Best value accessory: $12 beach chairs

Most abundant accessory: Flashlights

Most impulsive accessory: Camelback bought to qualify for free shipping on hiking poles

2 comments:

Pete said...

that's because conor is just a little gay

Derek said...

Ha, this is GREAT. While I thought Christine was bad, I think C-Murda takes the cake. The latest Corona commerical illustrates this post perfectly. Unfortunately I couldn't find the link online.