Monday, January 15, 2007

I Hate Arkansas

Arkansas is without question, the worst state in the union. Unless I am lead there by way of gun point, I vow never to return to that wretched place. We were only supposed to drive through the northern part via Route 40 but because of the ice storm, we headed south on 30 for what seems to have been the longest trip of our lives.

Everyone in Arkansas drives at least 90 miles per hour and I have two theories as to why. Number one is that everyone in the state is running moonshine. Number two is that everyone is trying to get the hell out. I have never been to a place that has so much space and so little to offer. The second we get in the state, a disgusting horse manure smell permeates within the cabin. We look around and all we see is trash and rickety houses. Other than Little Rock, I don't think we saw a two story building. I'm thinking about commissioning REM to redo their classic and name it "Don't Go Back to Arkansas".

For some odd reason, every white male in Arkansas has an affinity for unkempt mustaches and walking around in full hunting gear. I walked into Wendy's and appeared to be the only man not affiliated with a militia that was preparing for the revolution. To make matters worse, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and saw an employee walk out of the stall, right past the sink and through the door. My jaw dropped and I knew that I wasn't in Kansas anymore (actually, I've never even been to Kansas). I walk to the line and to my shock and horror, that same employee was handling the beef patties. I immediately yelled "I can't do this!!" and grabbed Jessica, racing for the door.

There is a town in Arkansas called Arkadelphia. I'm not kidding. It's motto is "Arkadelphia; a great place to live". It should be "Arkadelphia; why haven't you killed me?"

I will be submitting the following motto's to the Arkansas Travel Commission:

1) Arkansas: Lord, Why have you forsaken me?
2) Arkansas: Hey, someone has to be in last place
3) Arkansas: At least it's not Baghdad
4) Arkansas: Yes, we are still a state
5) Arkansas: World Renowned for Absolutely Nothing

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hysterical, Conor. Made us both laugh out loud.
- Julie & John