Wanted: Dead or Severely Maimed

I have come face to face with my mortal enemy, and his name is Mr. Pecker. This ravenous beast is threatening the very livelihood of Team Nicholson. His disdain for our mere existence is immense and I have pledged to eradicate our estate of Mr. Pecker and his fellow evil-doers.

For some reason, this maniacal beast thinks that it's perfectly acceptable to begin cackling and cawing at 4:30 in the morning, a full 3 hours before the sun rises. Where on earth did this rooster learn this avant-garde method? Has he seen the movies? Doesn’t he know that roosters aren't supposed to start cawing until sunrise? I forgot my alarm clock but I thought it was cool since I saw a number of Mother Nature's version walking over the property. Boy was I wrong.

At the current time, I am weighing my options as far as how to rid this mutant rooster from my life. Given the fact that I am in Hawaii, I immediately contacted Dog the Bounty Hunter. Unfortunately, he was too busy organizing a full SWAT team in an attempt to take down a teenage Taco Bell employee who missed a DUI court appearance. Dog sure is a hero.

I hired a software imagery programmer and he is working on a groundbreaking technology called Anti-Rooster Positioning Technology (ARPT) that is able to track the creature's every move. What makes this technology innovative is that it is interactive and friends at home can join in on the fun. We plan to install laser guns around the perimeter and friends will be able to aim and shoot at the roosters while Jessica and I are fast asleep. My dream is to wake up, look outside, and see four dead roosters with huge, gaping laser gun wounds.